"This is our story...." I think over the last year we've said that 1000 times. This IS our story and I will keep telling it to anyone who wants to listen for as long as I live.
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On February 13th, 2016 the news I'd waited my whole life for came to us. In one instant while watching 2 little lines appear our entire world changed. WE WERE PREGNANT! We were terrified, nervous, a little bit shocked but mostly so excited for the amazing adventure we were about to take. We immediately started planning. First I told my parents. They couldn't believe the news and were so excited they were going to get their 9th grandchild. Next we told Alex's mom, she cried and cried and was so happy her first grand baby was on the way. We told Alex's dad next, he was the first to guess a gender. He was certain we were having a boy. None of us agreed, were very very sure a little girl would be ours. We told my siblings, nieces and nephews on Easter and Alex's brother and sister-in-law shortly after that. Everyone was thrilled!
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The first Dr's appointment came and we got to see that amazing heartbeat speeding along. Alex went to every Dr's appointment with me up to the 14 week mark. I told him he didn't need to leave work early and that I was sure nothing eventful would take place without him. When I arrived my Dr asked if I would like to know the gender. What!? That early?! I was not expecting that yet at all. I told him I'd LOVE to know but asked if he'd keep it a secret so I could find out with Alex. I'm pretty sure I squealed when I got into my car. I couldn't believe we were about to find out what gender our little peanut would be. I asked Alex to rush home so we could go to the party store and get supplies. The original plan was to do a gender reveal with our whole family but with this unexpected turn of events we could not wait. We asked the girls at the party store to pack a box with the appropriate colored balloons and to call us to the front after it'd been done. We took the box home and with my parents and my niece Atlanta we opened the box which, as I mentioned before, was surely full of pink balloons.
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3...2...1...........
BLUE.......blue?!?! A boy?!?! My god, we were having a little BOY!!!!!!! Looking back at the pictures now we both look completely shocked but I assure you we were trilled and excited as ever to know our little person would be a boy.
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Next came the names. Do you know how hard it is to name a person?!?!?! Naming our dog was hard enough but naming a baby is a whole different ballgame. We had....different tastes.... in boy names. It took months. I wanted about 3 names we both loved so that we could choose in the hospital after meeting him. That did not work out. While driving down the freeway bouncing ideas off each other Alex said, "what about.....Matix?" I've always loved the name Maddox, I never imagined I'd have a Maddox of my own, but I liked it. Alex insisted it couldn't be spelled any way other than M. A. T. I. X. It took a minute for me to like the spelling but like later turned into love and that was it. He was our Matix.
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Next came nesting and decorating. We had a blast over the whole summer doing crafts and setting up his room. I loved that his decorations were made by Alex and I. We even had some cute artwork done by a friend. Everyone was just as excited as we were and we had a total of FIVE baby showers. One with my side of the family, thrown by my sweet aunts. An adorable shower thrown by Alex's amazing mom. I haven't mentioned it yet but she made being pregnant so much fun. She was so involved in the whole process and the sweetest mother-in-law a girl could be lucky enough to have. Our friends Lara and Audrey threw us an amazing shower for all of our friends to attend. I loved the co-ed showers because having Alex there to share in the excitement made the most sense to me. My dear friend Heather threw us a delicious brunch full of laughs and the cutest gifts. Lastly my wonderful coworkers threw myself and 2 other coworkers a shared shower. After all of that we had everything we possibly could need for this little man of ours.
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Appointment after appointment our baby was growing, moving, hitting new milestones and making us oooh and awwwe over him time and time again. Every day was a new adventure. Although not always easy, I LOVED being pregnant. Feeling him move was the best feeling in the world, hearing his heartbeat, seeing his cute face, hands and feet. All of it. I had practically 9 months of a normal, healthy, wonderful pregnancy. As the end of our pregnancy neared I had one scary day. My blood pressure went threw the roof. I went into the Dr and we decided I should take my leave a week earlier than his due date. We felt my work was a little too stressful and resting and laying low would be the best idea. I checked my blood pressure everyday and it went right back down to a normal spot.
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October 18th came. Alex's dad's birthday. This was my last appointment before Matix's due date, October 22nd. My Dr was out of town and the Dr in his place searched for a heartbeat, as the end neared it became a little harder to find but we found it. It was faster than it had ever been but she assured me that was normal. (in retrospect I curse every time I heard, "that's very normal." I was told that time and time again over 9 months). I was told to go into labor and delivery at any point, even if we went every day they wouldn't mind. On Friday October 21st I had lunch with a dear friend Katie Romero. I had been home for 5 days and the anticipation was killing me. I wasn't dilating at all and I just wanted to know that our Matix would be on his way soon. After lunch I ran home and went right over to labor and delivery. I told the women at the front desk that I'd like to be checked out. They gave me a gown and I got situated in the room. My nurse started listening for Matix's heartbeat, as usual it was taking a while. I gave her hints of where it usually was. At one point we found a heartbeat, another nurse in the room said, "that's the mother's", I hated her for that (even though she was only doing her job).... I think in that moment the other nurse did too.... Finally they told me she would call the Dr on call. "They were much better at this anyway." I asked if I should call Alex. She said yes. By some miracle Alex walked into the room just seconds after the Dr. We searched for the heartbeat. The Dr stopped over one stop, I stared at the screen knowing what we were seeing and didn't want to be right. I saw Matix's heart. That strong, beautiful heart that made the most beautiful sound we'd ever heard. It wasn't moving. It was still. The Dr said to me a sentence that echos in my mind almost daily now. "What we are seeing is the baby's heart, we like to see movement here and this baby is not....this baby is gone." They gave condolences and everyone ran out of the room. I wont go into details of how hearing that felt, or how we reacted, I'm sure anyone could imagine it.
Our parents and a few siblings came to the hospital for a few hours and helped us put a grasp on our new reality. My brother offered a blessing which we gladly accepted. The next day, on his due date our beautiful Matix came at 7:45 am. Labor and delivery went smoothly, in the physical sense. He was finally here. We never heard his cry, he never opened his eyes. We had just given birth to our "still baby". Matix was 19 inches long and only 3 lbs and 10 oz. He looked just like Alex and was sooo sooo cute. All of the nurses commented on his big feet! he had long feet and long fingers on such a tiny frame. Although he had passed his spirit was so strong. Holding him for the first time wasn't what I had dreamed of, nothing at that point was anymore, but holding him was so powerful. We fell in love with him instantly. We searched for answers asked every question we could about his size and what could have happened and were told, "these things happen." We were told to prepare for never having an answer as to why our baby had passed and heard way more times that I'm happy to say, "The next one will be ok," "You'll keep trying, right?" I know the Dr's and nurses and even family and friends had good intentions but we didn't want another. We wanted him. We wanted our Matix James. We still want him.
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We were told about an organization called the Share Parent's of Utah. They wanted to come meet us, offer support and could help. As strange as meeting anyone new sounded at the time we agreed to let them come. Two beautiful angels came into our hospital room and introduced themselves. They told us they too had lost children and told us their stories. They cried with us, told us how beautiful Matix was. They held him and loved him, just as he deserved. They took pictures of us and took molds of his hands and feet. They brought gifts, keepsakes and told us they would come to our home to deliver the molds in a few days. I'm so so grateful for everything they did for us. We're so glad to have his molds and the ability to look at his precious hands and feet everyday.
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The hospital offered to do an autopsy. As I mentioned before we had to understand that we might never know what happened or why. We agreed to have the autopsy done and waited months for it's findings. On Thursday October 26th we invited close family to join us at Larkin Mortuary to say our final goodbyes and to hold Matix one last time. On October 27th Matix was cremated and on our 3rd anniversary, October 31st, we finally got to bring our baby boy home in his final resting place, an urn. In January we found out that our beautiful boy left us because his placenta was too small. We still don't know why our Dr didn't detect this sooner.
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This is our story. We will never forget Matix. We will never be the same. We only hope to grow, in love together, and always honor our beautiful baby boy.
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Please click the CuddleCot from Matix tab to see how we plan to honor him for his first birthday.
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(We want to offer thanks to our nurses at Alta View for helping us through such an ordeal and sensitive time, the Dr. who helped us deliver Matix in the place of our Dr., to the Share Parents of Utah Organization for their very special gifts and the support they've given us over the last year and most importantly our family and dear friends. Your support is nothing short of amazing and very valued to us. We couldn't get through this without you. We know Matix loves each and everyone of you. Although not physically, he is with us all and always will be)
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Xoxoxo
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